Level 1: Sharing Cliches and Superficiality
This level is very shallow. In fact, you can communicate on this
level with almost anyone. These are the “Hi, how are you?” questions
that you ask when passing in the hall, not really waiting for the
answer. It’s the “Horrible weather we’re having, isn’t it?” you say
when in the elevator with a stranger. It doesn’t really share anything.
You offer nothing of yourself and you expect nothing in return.
You’re just following the society programmed niceties that are expected
in this situation.
Level 2: Sharing Information
One step above, we have information sharing. This is where most of
us live at work. Reporting facts and figures to colleagues, sharing
product information with customers, getting payment information from
clients. Sending order details to supplies.
And a lot of necessary communication in marriage lives here too.
Managing a family, even of two people, requires syncing schedules,
discussing finances, and the typical logistical discussions.
There’s slightly more risk. You can make a mistake in your figures,
you can give a wrong date or time. But really, you’re not risking
anything here. There’s not much of yourself in this level. It’s
logistics, it’s facts and figures. Easily separated from, and thus
having little risk personally.
The problem is that in a lot of marriages, this is where
communication stops. It becomes only Level 1 & 2. You say “Hi” in
the hallway, you make sure your spouse is coming to your kids
functions, you ask “what’s for dinner” and make sure your spouse knows
the tank is empty in the car.
But to have a relationship that’s more than just housemates, you need to progress beyond this.
Level 3: Sharing Ideas & Opinions
Now we start stepping out a bit. When we share ideas and opinions,
we start to share a bit of who we are. What we’re thinking. We’re not
just sharing our calculator or our calendar, but we’re sharing something
we’ve created: a thought.
And with that comes greater risk, because now someone can disagree with something which is uniquely ‘us’.
This level comes into play when asked “What do you want for dinner”,
because now you have to share an opinion. It comes up when you share a
new strategy in a business meeting. When you suggest a plan of action
to your boss. When you tell your spouse where you want to take your
next vacation. When you talk about politics, it comes up when you
declare support for one candidate or another.
This is how you get to know about people. Before this level, you may
be able to gauge their skills, their schedule, and things like that,
but not really who they are. This is where relationships really start
forming. But, relationships that stay at this level never become more
than acquaintances really.
Level 4: Sharing Values & Feelings
And so we progress to level 4. Now it gets scary. We’re sharing
what we feel. What drives us. Our hopes and our dreams. This is where
you start to become friends. You’re really stepping out of the safe
zone now. Because our values and feelings can be used to hurt us. When
someone knows that something is important to us, they could potentially
use it as leverage against us.
But, it also lets them know more about who we really are. What keeps
us going. What we’re fighting for in life. What we care about. But
also how life is affecting us. Now we can share the state of our very
self. When your spouse asks “You seem upset, what’s wrong?” they’re
looking for level 4 communication. For you to share what you’re
feeling. When you say “I love you”. that’s a level 4 communication,
unless it’s become a cliche…then you’re back to level 1.
For example. I recently got a job offer for more money, closer to
home. All the facts and figures said I should take the job, and if I
couldn’t convey my feelings and values about it to my wife, it would
have damaged our relationship for me not to take it. But, because we
could sit down and have a conversation about why I felt I needed to stay
where I was. The values that were driving me to choose not to change
jobs, she understood and even supported me.
In fact, I turned around and told my boss about the offer, letting
him know why I was staying and that this wasn’t a bargaining tactic, but
that I wanted to make staying where I was work better for the both of
us, he appreciated that level of communication as well.
I’d say the vast majority of marriages get to this point. Some
don’t stay here, some retreat back to level 3 or even 2 when they stop
being intentional about their marriage, but most manage this level of
communication, if only infrequently. But the next one is one of the
ingredients that makes a great marriage.
Level 5: Sharing Intimacy & Confession
This is where it gets scary. Now you start sharing the deepest part
of who you are. This is a level most reserve for only God…and often He
doesn’t even get it.
This is where we start really being intimate. To share what we’ve
done wrong, as well as the amazing things in our life. This is where we
really take a risk.
To me, nothing exemplifies this more than a husband or wife admitting
infidelity to their spouse. I’m not suggesting you go our and be
unfaithful to achieve this, but those that have, and told their spouse,
they face a huge risk. They share their confession, knowing it might
end the relationship, but hoping to make it stronger in the end.
In my own life, I experienced this most when I confessed my porn
addiction to my wife. I actually did it in a letter, because I didn’t
think I could get all the words out. It was hard. The most difficult
thing I’ve done in my life, I think. At the end, I wrote something to
the effect of “I understand if you never want to talk to me again.” I
hoped that wouldn’t happen, but I knew it was a possibility. People
have divorced for less.
Thank be to God, and my wife, she wisely answered in the best way
possible. She said something like “You’ve just been more open with me
than ever before. Let’s go have some really good sex.” Then she took
my hand and pulled me to the bedroom. That is the risk and the reward
of intimacy. Not sex…but something more.
It doesn’t always need to be confession. Also from our marriage, I
remember when my wife vowed to me never to say no to sex again. It
wasn’t a confession, that had happened quite a bit earlier. This was a
vow. Something that was important to her, and she wanted me to know it.
She could have just as easily kept it to herself and lessened the
risk, but she decided to be vulnerable and step out and communicate that
to me.
I’ll admit, I didn’t handle it as well as she did. To my shame, I
laughed in disbelief and … something else. Amazement I think. I didn’t
know how to handle it. We’d gone from sexless to “I promise never to
say no”, and I think I was in shock. I should have handled it better.
I was an idiot. Learn from my mistakes.
But, still, this event was pivotal to our marriage, and not only the decision on her part, but the communication of it.
That’s what Level 5 Communication is like: being completely open and
honest, more than honest. Sharing the deepest, scariest parts of you,
knowing the risk and still deciding to be vulnerable.
